Monday, June 29, 2009
1:44 AMSo i was discussing dating with my friend & he mentioned to me that i don't realize something. He says i dont realize that males are afraid of commitment. Looking back at my prev relationships & the guys i have been interested in previously it made sense.
My friend said to me, "Do you ever realize that when a woman is ready to settle down a guy is never around?" Then it was mentioned how when a woman brings up commitment men think of "excuses" not to be with you. EX: a male told me "i dont like the thought of you being with another man, or another man touching you." I said "alright then be with me, lock me down so no one else can have me." He responded with " i can't do that right now i have other stuff i have to deal with first." now with that i sat & waited thinking he was going to tell me what "other stuff" he had to deal with. he claims he has friends that want to be with him, but he doesnt know how to tell them no because he doesn't want to loose a friendship. Now the question is, if you don't want to be my man, why complain about how you hate the thought of me being with someone else? If you hated it that much, you'd be with me so you had no worries.
I am willing to be with someone now (we'll call him Incognito) & i tell Incognito all the time how i feel about him. His trust in me is not that good due to a mistake i made when we first started talking, but i don't blame him. I then began to work on building my trust back up with him, & right when i thought things were going well he decided to tell me "right now i can't give you what you are looking for. you do you, ima do me & when i'm ready i'll let you know. " Of course in my mind i thought "oh im not going to do me because there's no one that i'm attracted to besides you". & of course with my luck i met some one new. (We'll name him Bob.) Met bob, and of course he didnt grab my attention right away because i wasn't even interested in finding anyone. But then, it just grew into more than a friendship. After awhile things fell apart, but Incognito realized that i was "talking" to someone & in his mind i'm pretty sure he was thinking "if she like me why she talking to another dude?" which makes perfect sense, but yet you told me to do me. so unexpectedly i did. Bob & me eventually decided to just remain friends, being more than friends was just too much for us to handle. After the fact i realized how much i truely want Incognito & the thing about him is that even if i was with another male, if incognito came to me & said "i'm ready", whoever i am with at the time would be dropped on a dime. Due to the fact i've been waiting for incognito for what seems like everrr, if he gave me the chance i'd jump at it so quick. Honestly, i'm not sure if he is scared of commitment, or just scared of being with me due to my past. If i was to settle down & be serious with someone, there are no worries necessary.
I have always wanted a man that can complete me, give me what i'm missing in my life. If & when i get him, he will be THE ONLY man in my life. Of course i will have male friends, but everyone & their mama will know that i have a man, & he is my everything. Seems a little much, but that's all i wanted. & incognito seems to be the perfect squeeze for it. Something about me makes it difficult, but i am trying to work on it. Incognito is the one who pointed this out to me also. I am very impatient. If i want something from someone & they don't give it to me when i need it, i go somewhere else. I hate that about me because i pass up the good opportunities. I want to put my all & everything into incognito, but it's hard when he is unsure about it. At this point i'm unsure about it all. The only thing i am sure about is my feelings towards him. They have not changed & they won't change. The question is though, do i keep pushing to make an us, or do i do me until he is ready?
I hate the thought of me doing me now. I dont want incognito to think i dont want him, or care for him cause of some other dude. My incognito is my number 1 choice in everything. I believe at this point i should just go all out for incognito so he know's he is the one i want. But the question with that is, does he want it? will he want it? Should i wait until he is ready, or should i show him that i am for real about it?
lol this is soo long, i'm just going to cut it short & leave it like this for now. I'll make a part 2 if necessary.
My friend said to me, "Do you ever realize that when a woman is ready to settle down a guy is never around?" Then it was mentioned how when a woman brings up commitment men think of "excuses" not to be with you. EX: a male told me "i dont like the thought of you being with another man, or another man touching you." I said "alright then be with me, lock me down so no one else can have me." He responded with " i can't do that right now i have other stuff i have to deal with first." now with that i sat & waited thinking he was going to tell me what "other stuff" he had to deal with. he claims he has friends that want to be with him, but he doesnt know how to tell them no because he doesn't want to loose a friendship. Now the question is, if you don't want to be my man, why complain about how you hate the thought of me being with someone else? If you hated it that much, you'd be with me so you had no worries.
I am willing to be with someone now (we'll call him Incognito) & i tell Incognito all the time how i feel about him. His trust in me is not that good due to a mistake i made when we first started talking, but i don't blame him. I then began to work on building my trust back up with him, & right when i thought things were going well he decided to tell me "right now i can't give you what you are looking for. you do you, ima do me & when i'm ready i'll let you know. " Of course in my mind i thought "oh im not going to do me because there's no one that i'm attracted to besides you". & of course with my luck i met some one new. (We'll name him Bob.) Met bob, and of course he didnt grab my attention right away because i wasn't even interested in finding anyone. But then, it just grew into more than a friendship. After awhile things fell apart, but Incognito realized that i was "talking" to someone & in his mind i'm pretty sure he was thinking "if she like me why she talking to another dude?" which makes perfect sense, but yet you told me to do me. so unexpectedly i did. Bob & me eventually decided to just remain friends, being more than friends was just too much for us to handle. After the fact i realized how much i truely want Incognito & the thing about him is that even if i was with another male, if incognito came to me & said "i'm ready", whoever i am with at the time would be dropped on a dime. Due to the fact i've been waiting for incognito for what seems like everrr, if he gave me the chance i'd jump at it so quick. Honestly, i'm not sure if he is scared of commitment, or just scared of being with me due to my past. If i was to settle down & be serious with someone, there are no worries necessary.
I have always wanted a man that can complete me, give me what i'm missing in my life. If & when i get him, he will be THE ONLY man in my life. Of course i will have male friends, but everyone & their mama will know that i have a man, & he is my everything. Seems a little much, but that's all i wanted. & incognito seems to be the perfect squeeze for it. Something about me makes it difficult, but i am trying to work on it. Incognito is the one who pointed this out to me also. I am very impatient. If i want something from someone & they don't give it to me when i need it, i go somewhere else. I hate that about me because i pass up the good opportunities. I want to put my all & everything into incognito, but it's hard when he is unsure about it. At this point i'm unsure about it all. The only thing i am sure about is my feelings towards him. They have not changed & they won't change. The question is though, do i keep pushing to make an us, or do i do me until he is ready?
I hate the thought of me doing me now. I dont want incognito to think i dont want him, or care for him cause of some other dude. My incognito is my number 1 choice in everything. I believe at this point i should just go all out for incognito so he know's he is the one i want. But the question with that is, does he want it? will he want it? Should i wait until he is ready, or should i show him that i am for real about it?
lol this is soo long, i'm just going to cut it short & leave it like this for now. I'll make a part 2 if necessary.
update.
Friday, June 12, 2009 10:45 AMlet's see what can i update you on? the guy i'm talking to is on rocky waters of course. lol. we are friends .. yet there's so much more to our friendship than any other friendship. he is a great guy. just some things go on that i wish didnt. he continuously does little things to see my reaction. i don't know if its because he is trying to check my feelings for him, see how mad i get, make me mad, or just get rid of me. i don't understand his purpose behind a lot of things, & when i ask him there is no answer. i'm very confused about the whole situation, but i believe the best thing to do is just to ride it out & see what happens. i would love to talk to him about it, but i have no clue how to. i'm going to hang out with him & my friend jemiren today, so we'll see how it goes. wish me luckkk LOL
my job is going really good, i've been pretty busy working. we only had 7 people at our store & due to my manager firing two people (1 being another manager) now we are down to 5. MORE HOURS, MORE MONEY. so i can't complain. actually today is payday, so i'm excited. the check should be nice & fat.
today i have a sorta busy day. waiting until my check gets to work which is around 11ish, picking it up, headed to the bank, then the mall, after that i'm going to jemiren's & we hitting up the pool. Chillin' there for the night. have the day off & im going to enjoy it. =)
incognito.
Monday, June 8, 2009 3:10 PMhe's my incognito,
if i was spanish i'd call him my papito.
we been friends for a min now,
& i'm willing to take that next step,
but he's a busy man, & i dont wanna hold him down.
we keep in touch & keep it real,
why lie & bullshit
when we're working for something that is such a big deal?
distance is a bitch,
but sometimes it can show you
whether the struggle is really worth it.
i admire him for his personality,
his strength, struggle, & integrity.
damn i just hit writers block,
still underconstruction. . . . .
Djay + me; round 2.
12:11 PMDjay.
Boo Boo im not gonna be with any one unless its u
who what when where
kiss me because i care
take a breath of air
let me run my hands through your hair
im always gonna be there
no sin because we best friends
i dont want a girlfriend because i been there
im saving my safe for something serious
not lust
Something thats gonna last not a bitch with a fat asss
i can get any girl i want
but there is only a few that i want
i gives a fuck about u and u know
my cry i should
we kept each other warm in the cold
its 12:31 and im waiting for your call
i will not fall asleep...til i hear your voice
i have a choice.......im not the same lil boy
im 29 and i want to find dat one
everyday i see my brother with his son
i really want 1
but its hard because i trust no 1.
Me.
awe we been together for a two years now,
just friendship wise
but no one can knock that down.
i know you care djay,
you always have since the first day.
kiss me, breath my air
you know you can run those fingers through my hair,
no matter what goes down you know i'll be here.
a relationship is nothing but war in a battleship,
& i don't plan on declaring war
because i'm not ready for that conflict.
you see i've wanted something that could last,
but i can honestly say that my future is still based on my past.
i've been cheated, lied to, & hurt
but who hasn't,
everybody has dirt.
i see my brother & his happiness ,
a fiance with a baby girl,
i've always wanted that completeness.
i have a different out look,
i have my own rules & standards,
i swear i can write my own book.
but the time aint right,
so ima just sit back & enjoy my limelight.
djay + me; round 1.
Saturday, June 6, 2009 11:45 AMDjay
Looking at my life i always try to do right
i understand that im not always the nice guy
when i was small there was no mother in my life or to the right
so my light my confert has always been dark
i only can talk for ones self
i once felt i could be with only one
but remember i was never a son
who was tryin to learn how to love the one
that only intention was my Destruction
yes i loved young
but now im old....once was warm but now cold
i tuned my back on love
for many
they give away and throw them selves
so i dove in
is it a sin
Erin i understand what you are asking
last kiss with your last breath
your only wish...was a gentle touch
the blood Rush
the love comes
the body nums
Love is very satisfing
my eyes u look through
but there only for u
and i will never let any one fuck up our lifetime
never let u lay at night crying.
Me.
lay at night crying?
it wont happen until the day im dying.
my heart has become numb,
due to the men who act dumb.
i don't play games because i dont have time for lames,
im an independant lady,
take care of myself & make sure it's known
i'm the baddest lady.
i talk how i walk because i can back it up,
dont talk dumb to me
i sure hate to act up.
i may just be your best friend,
i'll always be here for you til the end.
& you know no matter what girl you find,
you'll have to get the okay from me "yeah dj, she fine"
nah you won't have to,
but you'll ask to.
because i got the gratitude,
& respect too.
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Erin Marie
23 years young - female
Born & raised in Chicago.
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