depression at its finest.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
10:13 PM
they say everyone deals with it one point or another in their lifetime. some can deal with it some can't. there are so many different types of depression, so many different ways of coping. But all honesty, sometimes it eats me alive.

When i have time to think, i sit and look at my past. how many times i have given my all to others, yet people continue to treat me like dirt. i try to sit & think of where and how i went wrong, and most of the time i don't find anything. yes i do fuck up sometimes, but when did people stop forgiving. a lot of the people in my life i have forgiven for the worst of the worst, and when i make a simple mistake, they scream fuck you. fo real? fuck me. why do i even try, why can't i learn to just say fuck you back? instead it's always fuck me. i bust my ass, and you do nothing for me, & you still have the nerve to say fuck me? i don't understand it, i don't believe there is a way to understand.

When you are with someone, if the love is real you support them through thick & thin. Yet when i'm there through it all it's still not enough. They still expect more,yet when i'm giving my all ... there is no more. I have no options left, and that's when they decide "oh fuck erin marie."

eventually you begin to think after so many tries with so many different people that you aren't good enough. So many people sit & tell you how amazing you are, yet you are never good enough. eventually the encouraging words of others become to repetitive that you ignore it. the "oh you're so pretty, you're so nice, you're amazing, how are you single, why are you single, you're perfect" ..... it eventually turns into blah blah blah. In your mind you begin thinking " what is wrong with me? why am i not enough? what do i do that's wrong? why is it always my fault? what do i do next? what can i fix to become better? you're mind doesn't stop asking you what, or what if. it eats you inside out.

if only i knew the answer to how to handle it, to get a grip of it & throw it all away. Yes i know i'm a beautiful woman, i'm independent, handle my own, im nice, i support the ones i love 110% no matter what the circumstance is, i take care of myself better than most of you take care of your kids, i try my hardest to keep the ones close to me happy, i put others before me (which most believe i shouldn't) but why not when they need something more than i do? But as much as i think i am amazing, i just dont understand why no one else does? people will tell me the things i tell myself, but then won't prove it, so how am i suppose to believe it?

This feeling consistently eats me up, & for some reason it never leaves me. Until i am with someone, happy, and settled . . . i don't believe this feeling will ever leave.

50/50
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
10:38 AM
WRONG!
it should be 100/100.

Why would i only put in half the effort?
why would i only accept half from you?

I'm sorry but whoever told you meeting people half way
is the right way has it all twisted.

I would rather give all of me, than half ass anything.
if i give all of me, i would hope you would give all of you too.
that's the way anything should be.

im not going to settle and receive something that is not complete.
im not going to give someone something that is not given with my full potential
thats just making things over before they began

you want to feed me that 50/50 bullshit
dont expect me to stay
if im playing my cards right
i'd place a bet & go all the way
you should do the same
if we loose it all then so be it
but at least i lost giving it everything i had
people are so afraid to go all the way in
they fold before the game begins

if you never give it your all
you'll never know the extent of what can truly happen
and what someone else can give you.

a thing called us
10:31 AM
Our whole relationship was copied & pasted,
Nothing was new.
Instead it was familiar.
Every line you used on me, every word spoken, every thought you shared,
every story you told ... was already in the hands of another.

The sick part was ... i didn't leave.
Instead i stayed and turned the other cheek.
Why?
Because in my eyes i had something she didn't.
Whatever it was, i ran with it.
Despite not knowing the reason,
i didn't ask because i didn't want to know
once the truth was out in the open
i knew what we had would fall apart, and i tried to prevent that.

I ignored every lie
and looked over the traces that lead me back to her.
but it didn't matter
what we had would always be a duplicate,
never an original
nothing was unique, nothing was mine
i was living another person's love story,
i was living HER love story.

the same situation, just a different face eh?
i was the different face, it was her movie
she directed it and you wrote the script
i just happened to land the starring role.
the role of the fool who believed a thing called "us".

dating.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
11:30 PM
Personally, I don't think i'll ever be happy. No matter how much work & the effort i put forth, it's never enough. Maybe i care too much for myself? I work ridiculous hours because money is all i think about. As much as i think about money, i still want that one person i can come home too. One day i do want to be married & have a family, yet i think i expect too much.

  • i'd like to see you at least 2-3 times a week.
  • keep it real 110% of the time.
  • actions speak louder than words; dont tell me something you can't back up with your actions.
  • a relationship is 50/50, don't expect more than you can give out.
  • night time convo, tell me how your day went & etc...
there's more, but those are the basics. i'll get into it more one day. Surprisingly those simple things are the hardest for people to do. It looks so simple, yet it seems so hard. It doesn't make any sense to me, & i will never understand why.

the positive thought process.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
11:04 AM
From the book, You can heal your life by Louise L Hay.
I love myself; therefore, I work at a job I truly enjoy doing, one that uses my creative talents and abilities, working with people I love and who love me, and earning a good income. I love myself; therefore, I behave and think in a loving way to all people for I know that which give out returns to me multiplied. I only attract loving people in my world, for they are the mirror of what I am. I love myself; therefore, i forgive and totally release the past and all past experiences, and I am free. I love myself; therefore, I live totally in the now, experiencing each moment as good and knowing that my future is bright and joyous and secure, for i am a beloved child of the universe and the universe lovingly takes care of me now and forever more. All is well in my world.
I absolutely love the quotes this book has. It's a great way to keep your mind thinking positive. It reminds you of all the good things you have that you may not remember.

Love
Monday, January 17, 2011
9:13 PM
Straight from the book "The Mastery of Love",
In the track of love, you are giving more than you are taking. And of course, you love yourself so much that you don't allow selfish people to take advantage of you. You are not going for revenge, but you are clear in your communication. You can say "I don't like it when you try to take advantage of me, when you disrespect me, when you are unkind to me. I don't need someone to abuse me verbally, emotionally, physically. I don't need to hear you cursing all the time. It's not that I am better than you; it's because I love beauty. I love to laugh; i love to have fun; I love to love. It's not that i'm selfish, I just don't need a big victim near me. It doesn't mean i don't love you, but i cannot take responsibility for your dream. If you are in a relationship with me, it will be so hard for your Parasite, because i will not react to your garbage at all." This is not selfishness; this is self love. Selfishness, control, and fear will break almost any relationship. Generosity, freedom, and love will create the most beautiful relationship: an ongoing romance.
This quote is amazing, and i will always look back at it when my relationship takes a turn for the worst. No matter what is going on, this quote always brings my mind back to calmness. It reminds me what i deserve, what i should take & what i shouldn't. The book "Mastery Of Love" is absolutely amazing. Not only does it speak on love with your partner, but also your family, and yourself. The book has so many amazing quotes, i will frequently post them to give you an idea. The author is Don Miguel Ruiz, and it's a short book. So its an easy, quick read that can help you way more than you can even imagine.


Welcome back.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
9:39 PM
It's been a minute, yet i have come to realize i miss blogging. The page is redone for a fresh new start. I have so much to write about, I haven't been this excited in a long time.

Love not only with a partner but with myself is probably going to be a hot topic. I promise you i will try to post as much as possible, depending on my work schedule.

I now work at a gymnastics place, and i love my job so much! I work with kids as little as a year & half, to 18 year olds. It's a lot of fun. We are opening another building next door that i am looking forward to. We will have competitive cheerleading, & also a lot of martial arts, mma fighting, boxing, and athletic training. I will be taking the kick boxing classes, and hopefully coaching the cheerleaders. This job is perfect for me & hopefully it will help me get back into shape.

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Erin Marie 23 years young - female Born & raised in Chicago.




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