depression at its finest.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
10:13 PMWhen i have time to think, i sit and look at my past. how many times i have given my all to others, yet people continue to treat me like dirt. i try to sit & think of where and how i went wrong, and most of the time i don't find anything. yes i do fuck up sometimes, but when did people stop forgiving. a lot of the people in my life i have forgiven for the worst of the worst, and when i make a simple mistake, they scream fuck you. fo real? fuck me. why do i even try, why can't i learn to just say fuck you back? instead it's always fuck me. i bust my ass, and you do nothing for me, & you still have the nerve to say fuck me? i don't understand it, i don't believe there is a way to understand.
When you are with someone, if the love is real you support them through thick & thin. Yet when i'm there through it all it's still not enough. They still expect more,yet when i'm giving my all ... there is no more. I have no options left, and that's when they decide "oh fuck erin marie."
eventually you begin to think after so many tries with so many different people that you aren't good enough. So many people sit & tell you how amazing you are, yet you are never good enough. eventually the encouraging words of others become to repetitive that you ignore it. the "oh you're so pretty, you're so nice, you're amazing, how are you single, why are you single, you're perfect" ..... it eventually turns into blah blah blah. In your mind you begin thinking " what is wrong with me? why am i not enough? what do i do that's wrong? why is it always my fault? what do i do next? what can i fix to become better? you're mind doesn't stop asking you what, or what if. it eats you inside out.
if only i knew the answer to how to handle it, to get a grip of it & throw it all away. Yes i know i'm a beautiful woman, i'm independent, handle my own, im nice, i support the ones i love 110% no matter what the circumstance is, i take care of myself better than most of you take care of your kids, i try my hardest to keep the ones close to me happy, i put others before me (which most believe i shouldn't) but why not when they need something more than i do? But as much as i think i am amazing, i just dont understand why no one else does? people will tell me the things i tell myself, but then won't prove it, so how am i suppose to believe it?
This feeling consistently eats me up, & for some reason it never leaves me. Until i am with someone, happy, and settled . . . i don't believe this feeling will ever leave.
Information
Erin Marie
23 years young - female
Born & raised in Chicago.
Affiliates
Archives
Tagboard